Thursday, December 8, 2016

How to F*ck a Transgender Person

Okay... everyone deals with sex differently.

Keep in mind it's only YOUR business if you are planning to go down that road with the person. Asking a stranger what's in their pants or how they have sex isn't something that's done. However, when you're going to have sex with a person this is when the questions become important. For some people whether they are cisgender (their assigned sex at birth matches their gender identity) or transgender (their assigned sex at birth doesn't match their gender identity) questions about sex can be uncomfortable, so always proceed with care >>> which includes how you ask the questions.

Here's a video by Davy Wavy
It's important to remember that different things feel good to different people. So your ex may have LOVED when you did that kinky little thing with your big toe >>> your current love may not find it amusing at all!

Mr. Google is a great place to find basic information to help you form your questions. I wrote a blog post about the hot button topic of surgeries someone who is transgender may or may not have/want. Again, information is key. It was my hope to assist you in building a foundation to put the knowledge you learn from various sources into a framework.

I think sex is a subject people should be more comfortable with in the abstract then maybe when it comes down to specifics about the activity itself with the partner(s) of your choice it might be easier.


Illusions & Dreams is about two sets of best friends who are very different. Two of the characters  are transgender and are on opposite ends of the spectrum on almost everything.  They desire extremely different things in terms of what they were looking for in a partner, how they expressed themselves, what they wanted sexually and what they thought of affirmation surgery. 

If you know me you know I don't shy away from sex and think fade to black is cheating. So there are several scenes depicting a variety of sexual activities: masturbation to sweet sex to kinky sex... because everyone is individual.

I hope the biggest take away from this post is: Everyone has different needs and desires and use care finding out how to best satisfy your partner.

Major Hugs, Z.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Gender queer

Here's a basic gender queer video: 




This next section was ripped from Psychology Today: The Price of Conforming to Gender Norms.

"The man appears to be neither masculine nor feminine-–he is both. This may be disturbing to some, liberating to others. It is useful for us to reflect on our own perceptions and values with respect to what society considers appropriate as “male” and “female.”

People who don't fit into either masculine or feminine gender roles often call themselves "gender queer." The gender queer believe being masculine or feminine is something we learn living in our particular society-–masculinity and femininity are not determined by our biological sex. Being a male doesn’t make us masculine; being a female doesn’t make us feminine.

We learn how to behave in a masculine or feminine manner through socialization.

Males and females from different societies are the same biologically. But different societies have different ideas about how men and women should behave. For example: in some Middle-Eastern societies, it is normal for straight men to walk about town holding hands-–it means they are friends. In Western societies, the same behavior means something quite different.

How is Gender Engendered?
These days there is a wide range of what is considered appropriate behavior for males and females. With the advent of the metrosexual and the man-bun, norms have certainly changed over time.
But some time-honored examples will make my point. As males, we may be taught at an early age to disown our nurturing side-–boys aren't supposed to play with dolls. As females, we may be taught to disavow constructive aggression-–girls aren’t encouraged to engage in rough and tumble play.

As we become socialized, peers continue the process our families started. Young children learn to put pressure on each other to conform to gender specific traits-–“You throw like a girl.”

By the time we are adults, we may not even be aware of how society has shaped our gender-conforming behavior. But we are all affected. We often police our own behavior. A woman may ask herself, “Am I being too manly by being a competitive and aggressive presidential candidate?” A man may worry, “Am I acting like a woman when I become emotional?”

Most of us are reasonably comfortable adhering to the gender norms of our society. But if we are not aware of the ways in which we are complying with expectation, we may reject an essential part of our self.

We should ask ourselves, have I disowned some essential part of myself in order to conform to a gender role?

Sometimes we are overly identified with gender-conforming behavior . . .
Kay is comfortable with her femininity but feels immobilized by her fear of appearing too ambitious. She hears her mother saying, "No one likes an ambitious woman."  She feels uncomfortable showing people her ambition-–the part of herself that identifies with her successful father. So, she hides her desire to succeed and suffers the loss of the crucial support and encouragement she would get from her friends, if she would only let them know.

Or we can overly resist gender-conforming behavior  . . .
Laura fears becoming like her mother. As a typical housewife of her time, Laura’s mother was financially dependent on her husband. She took responsibility for raising the children. She suffered quietly as her husband engaged in a series of affairs.
Laura modeled herself on her father. She is an independent woman who would not rely on any man. She has disowned her femininity. Although she married, she keeps her husband at an emotional distance. Now she finds herself desiring an affair with a man she fantasizes will take care of her. This affair would allow her to realize her feminine side, while avoiding feeling too emotionally vulnerable with her husband.

Awareness is Key
Whether we conform to, or resist, gender norms, they play a role in how we see and judge ourselves. They also influence how we perceive others. They impact our behavior whether we are aware of them or not. If we are going to be subjected to such powerful influences, we need to reflect on the ways in which they impact us. Without doing so, we may be prevented from realizing our true potential.
By David Braucher, L.C.S.W., Ph.D.
((https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemporary-psychoanalysis-in-action/201610/the-price-conforming-gender-norms))

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Virgin Sex Doesn't Have To Hurt...

Did you know getting your cherry popped shouldn't hurt?

True story: A hymen isn't broken or popped at all...


The more you know...

I've always had a fascination with virgin sex... maybe trying to recapture my own? Who knows let's not analyze why but simply enjoy the fact some of my characters come to me as virgins... but don't stay that way for long.

Two of my favorite virgin no more scenes... 


Tied Together Buy Link    
Robin and Josh decide to "give themselves" to each other (Robin's a romance reader so he's glorified the experience in his head). Let's just say they figure out why most hotels have hand lotion in the bathroom.

Hugs, Z.





Illusions & Dreams Buy Link


Boon-nam is a virgin and kinky but needed to wait until she had affirmation surgery to be comfortable enough to be with someone... She has a couple interesting experiences before she has intercourse and luckily for all of us it's everything she imagined it would be.
















Hugs,
Z. Allora








Thursday, November 17, 2016

The T Word


This week is Transgender Awareness Week.

I'm going to share with you a very good video  done by Lavern Cox & MTV.



















Nov 20 People We Honor

Buy Link
Blurb for Illusions & Dreams:
Randy Camster failed at being married. His life now centers around work, TV sports, and listening to his friend Jake complain about how Randy’s lack of a sex life will be the downfall of mankind. Not true! Well, not totally. He’s just never understood the fascination with sex until… ladyboy performer Lalana Dulyarat shimmies into his world via an Internet ad for Thailand tourism. 



Jake O’Neil’s open pansexuality yields him interesting bedmates, but he’s never chased after the mythical illusion of love. He focuses on others, like his best friend Randy, who needs a Bang-Cock vacation. Finding an adorable little imp named Boon-nam wasn’t on the itinerary. Gay, straight, and undecided, Jake has had ‘em all, but never a virgin aching to take a walk on the kinky side after having her affirmation surgery. Talk about pressure. And what’s with everyone warning him not to break her heart? His is the one in danger.




Thursday, November 10, 2016

Sexism Internalized... and you.

What is sexism? 

sex·ism

"1. prejudice, stereotyping, or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex." (Oxford Dictionaries) 

What is Internalized Sexism?

The involuntary beliefs that people assigned female at birth carry, speak and act on as if the lies, stereotypes and myths about people assigned female at birth are true and should be assigned to all women.  

 

Here are some types:

Slut Shaming
He's a ladies man, but she's a slut. 
"The shaming and attacking women for having sexual partners, perceived or otherwise, as well as having sexual feelings. Slut shaming occurs when someone “publicly or privately [insults] a woman because she expressed her sexuality in a way that does not conform with patriarchal expectations for women” (http://www.dearvagina.com/five-examples-of-internalized-sexism-in-our-daily-life/feminism)

Victim Blaming
"When we blame the victim, society allows the abuser to perpetrate relationship abuse or sexual assault while avoiding accountability for the perpetrator’s actions. When another woman we know is sexually assaulted, it’s really important to turn off that little voice inside our heads that call her a slut, asking her why she didn’t know any better or saying that we would never let ourselves get into a situation like that. That little voice is the toxic misogyny that we’re taught from day one and have internalized."   (http://www.dearvagina.com/five-examples-of-internalized-sexism-in-our-daily-life/feminism)

In order to "stay safe" much focused energy goes into where we park, where we go, what we where... It's our responsibility because we are living in a society that teaches women must do x,y and z instead of teaching people not to rape/assault/harass.


Not wanting to be friends with other women
(Self-explanatory)


Not like other women
"A “Special Snowflake” is a term used to describe other women who differentiate themselves from other women by essentially buying into sexist stereotypes. Oftentimes these statements are used to insult other women at the expense of being attractive to men." (http://www.dearvagina.com/five-examples-of-internalized-sexism-in-our-daily-life/feminism)

Women still make less than men
How and why is this still a thing. One guess is internalized sexism makes sure it never becomes a priority so it never gets addressed.


Society feeds us sexist ideas from birth so it's no wonder they are absorbed, ingested and put back out in society.


What can we do? 

1) CONFRONT IT IN YOURSELVES

Don't deny it's existence in yourself outright. 
When a friend nudge me gently and called me on it I was like "No way. Card carrying member of NOW I can't be..." I was and I am working super hard not to be...
So before you deny it look. You'd have to have lived in isolation not to absorbed some of this bullshit.

2)'CONFRONT IT IN OTHERS

Usually our habit is ignore, or avoid... well, that doesn't stop it. Yes it's uncomfortable but it needs to be done (I'm afraid consistently) and I won't lie there will be censure... you might be seen as rude, but at the end of the day it's important. DO IT.

3) FEMINISM ISN'T A BAD WORD

Recently this word has been twisted so it's become something it's not. Let's learn the definition so we can spread the word. 

fem·i·nism:

"1. the advocacy of women's rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men." (Oxford Dictionaries)

Just work on doing those three things and you'll be surprised at the changes.

(& yes the whole vague not feeling comfortable/liking Hillary Clinton>>> can we guess what some of that might have been? Not that there wasn't other reasons people assigned female at birth didn't vote for her, but internalized sexism & societal sexism played a part in the decision.) 

I'm aware this is a topic that is HUGE I've only done a tiny overview because I've been obsessing about this and it's impact on the world. I'm working to address mine and I hope you'll look at doing the same. 

Big Hugs, 
Z. Allora







Thursday, November 3, 2016

Gay For You (GFY) Romance Trope

This trope has been under fire since before I've discovered rainbow romance.

The issues people have identified range from:  GFY stories don't exist in reality to Bierasure to Objectifying Men to it's really Out For You romance to it denies/minimizes the coming out experience to many other reasons why GFY upsets some people.

Taking a step back:

Sexuality is complex. We are expanding our understanding of it on a daily basis. You have the Kinsey scale then the Kline model... lots of different ways to quantify something so personal and subjective. Is it any wonder people struggle? I wish there were more information to help us understand of ourselves and the people around us.

Even under fire GFY is wildly popular.

Why?

Usual reasons sited:
*It's hot.
*Creates instant deep tension.
*It SELLS.

Less discussed reasons:
*It's a vehicle a number of people (I know personally) credit for allowing them to question their sexual orientation or gender identity. Watching the characters boldly go where we ourselves have struggled to go is beneficial and I'd even say in some cases therapeutic.
*One of the takeaways from GFY is usually your feelings may be scary/different/not who we thought we were but in the end it's okay to follow your heart and BE YOURSELF.
*The message I usually hear echoing through almost every story is love is stronger then societal defined gender lines (which as someone who falls on the nonbinary side of things is incredibly validating).

Sooooo it's more than just hot.  

However, lumping everything under one trope can hurt people we don't want to do that. Though not everyone who falls in love with someone of the same sex is gay or even bi.

Put down your pitch forks! There's a lot of variation within m/m romance perhaps the spectrum needs to be better sussed out? The nonbinary bunny will point out that there's also : demisexual (needing a strong emotional connection to feel attraction), biromantic, transoriented, queer, pansexual, androgynosexual, questioning, heteroflexible, BDSM (In Iceland BDSM is considered an orientation that trumps gender therefore someone who could make them submit or dominate is where the attraction resides not the gender), skoliosexual, and there other sexual identities/orientations and within each of these there are variations ((some of the orientations were plucked from this list: http://poshhelpers.tumblr.com/post/41062616375/sexual-orientations-masterlist))

Here's a list given by 2 guys clowning around... (I wish it was more serious but they are trying but I thought their take on labels interesting... and please know asexual doesn't mean sad or being alone.)



Here's a video that explains biromantic...(the above video didn't cover)



Some Things Creating The Hurt (possibly):

Personal bias: While for some of us sexual orientation is straightforward... for others sexuality is more nuanced and dare I say more fluid.

Skill/Knowledge of the writer: I'll be the first one to raise my hand and say I wish I had more skill to present the complex fabulous characters that live in my head. Also my knowledge and understanding of sexuality is still growing daily and my understanding is changing based on new studies, discussions, books, people I meet...

Semantics:
Sexual identity: person's view of themselves.
Sexual behavior: actions participate in  
Sexual Orientation: who person is attracted toward.
Take the word: Attraction...  How much "attraction to people of the same sex" makes you gay? How much sexual behavior determines if you are gay, straight. bi, demi, etc (FYI: NOTHING MAKES YOU GAY) What if this person only wants this one other person of the same sex... does that make him/her bi or demisexual or sexually fluid or ... ? 

Labeling: Right or wrong it is the individual that determines when the label is appropriate and if he/she/them identifies with it. (And as much as you think you know better based on the person's actions or words you SHOULD NOT slap labels on people... even if they seem accurate to you.)

Here's a video on lesbian, bisexuality and demisexuality. (I love when she says: "I'm kind of a mix of the two." cause that's the nuance we need to tease out.)



But GFY can cause hurt and I don't want anyone to be hurt. (And I know my Tribe doesn't want to hurt each other).

So what can we do?
I'm looking at my Pretties and truly asking for more suggestions so we can help end the hurt. If you've spoken out about this, or have been hurt I'd love to some concrete suggestions to move us away from hurting each other and into helping us understand. (If you're able to do so). 

Here are some of my suggestions:

LEARN: 
The more we learn about different types of sexual orientations the better our understanding is about everyone around us & ourselves (As a writer this translates into more diverse and complex characters).

CLARIFY. Is the character: bisexual, demisexual, questioning, gay, or one of the sexualities and then make sure the reader understands where the character is coming from... I believe the writer needs to shoulder some of the responsibility to address the some of the negative/potential issues & the hurt some people might feel.

RESPONSIBILITY:  Those of us who are able should take the time to increase the understanding of others because we all want to make the world a better place. If not us who? (I'm not the best person to talk about asexuality/name an orientation but fuck the conversation needs a place to start. Usually I'll find a YouTube video and go from there... but I'm thrilled when someone with a certain experience/orientation/viewpoints shares their first hand knowledge.)

REACH OUT:  If a writer is hurting you by their stories reach out and help them understand... (Chances are they aren't doing it on purpose) Vague statements/posts only confuse people. If we want to actually effect change we need to reach out (if we're able).
Here's a script: "Z. you really hurt/offended me when you wrote X." 
It allows me the opportunity to apologize for hurting you cause it is never my intention & allows me to understand what I did and how I can adjust in the future. And maybe I can reach out to you for assistance as a resource so I don't make the same mistakes again. 

Be the change you want to see in the world...  

Many hugs and much love,
Z. Allora  

You might check out this orientation list.

(BTW at YaoiCon 2016 so many attendees told me how Yaoi allowed them to come to terms with who they were. Their sexuality ranged from asexual, bisexual, gay, lesbian, pansexual and questioning. For them Yaoi was a safe place to figure out who they were and explore what they liked. I think I'll do a future post and discuss Yaoi specifically because there are cultural implications since this type of manga was born in Japan. Having lived in Asia and traveling to many of the countries including Japan there is a different relationship people have with sex, intimacy and each other. The LGBTQIA movement is moving at a different rate... anyway future post.)  

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Permission to Orgasm

Now you can take that literally or figuratively or both... as you know I'd applaud whatever your decision but on the day before my birthday I wanted to give you (my Pretty ones or a stranger who has no idea who the fuck I am) permission to be happy.

You are responsible for your own HAPPINESS.  Take this seriously no one else can do this for you... we can present opportunities for you to reach out and get to the happy but you've got to do the reaching.

Don't put off pleasure. (Of course I'm not suggesting you do nothing but live a hedonistic life style because there are always consequences....)  I'm merely suggesting you do things and make decisions that bring you both long and short term happiness.  Too many times in life we wait, hesitation and let the world get in the way of doing even the simplest things that can bring joy.

Make a list of things (free) that make you happy. Here's some of mine:
1) Appreciating vivid colors not just in art work but in everything.
2) Making someone smile.
3) Reaching out and letting someone know you care.
4) Writing
5) Eating with chopsticks.
6) Organizing things
7) Getting together with a friend (even if only for a quick Facebook chat)
8) Planning a trip (I may never take >>> learning about the culture, food, people)
9) Researching a topic I don't know about.
10) ORGASM

When we are happy we spread the feeling to others there by making the world a better place.

Sooooo for my birthday I'm going to be asking everyone I know for 1 gift:

Do something that makes you happy.

Many hugs,
Z. Allora